The thing is, and I’m learning
as I go here so I may not be entirely in the right, if you let yourself
get kicked down and you feel like you deserve it, or the world just sucks, or
you just don’t have the strength to get out of the rut, depression can destroy
your life. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, what-have-you, it’s going to
absolutely break a person down.
I would know, because I’ve been
there.
My depression started, as most
people’s do, when I was young. I was in high school when depression struck.
Some of it was due to outside factors, like going to a constricting small
school filled with *Plastics, and some of it was home factors. Most of it though
was my own self-inflicted misery and hatred of the person I was. I was critical
of people because I was critical of myself. I don’t really know why I was so
critical, because so many people think the world of me. I guess at the time I
couldn’t see past all my flaws (and I felt, and still feel, like I have many)
and I let my insecurities drag me down.
Another factor was that I had a
fairly weak family support. My father has a job that takes him away from home
five/six days out of the week, and when I was younger he was gone for a week at
a time before coming home for two/three days and leaving again. My mom works as
a teacher and as soon as she came home she would talk to me like she would talk
to her young, misbehaving students. My sister is five years my elder and our
relationship has never been strong.
I felt as though I had no one to
turn to, no one to confide in, and on top of it all, I never wanted to admit
that there was something wrong. So, I kept it quiet and under wraps and
pretended that I was normal. Surprisingly, it worked. It’s scary how easily you
can convince those people closest to you that everything is fine (and let’s be
honest here, “fine” is not an feeling or an acceptable state of mind to be in),
and even more so how the lying game comes so naturally. Soon, everything you
say and feel is a lie and you realize after a while that because you’ve been
lying so long, you can’t tell which way is up anymore.
Let’s just get this straight –
holding it and waiting for things to get better 95% of the time does not work.
Lying (both to yourself and others) is a guaranteed way to get karma to come around and bite you so hard in
the ass that you’ll need stitches. Both of these things are 100% guaranteed to
make your life more miserable.
So, “What do I do, then?” you
may ask.
Simple: admit you have a
problem, and then talk to someone about it.
It’s simple, but it’s seriously
the hardest step you’ll ever take. It’s also the first one, which makes it that
much worse. There isn’t a baby step program to overcoming depression. Sometimes
you may never overcome it, I know people who haven’t. But the key is to talk to someone about it! Jeez, letting
all the problems and worries off your chest makes a person feel eighty pounds
lighter. And you don’t have to talk to a therapist or a doctor, I actually
wouldn’t recommend it. The whole scenario (at least for me, because I’m pretty
darn cynical) is a set-up. The place is usually decorated in a homey
environment. There are comforting, warm colors throughout, the sofas and
settees are super comfy, the paintings and photos are of happy people and times…it’s
all so cheesy that automatically you feel like an ass being there.
The worst part of it all is when
they invite you in. My therapist was an old guy who looked like a cross between
Stephen King and Lewis Black, but with a Santa Claus beard.
Yea, I still can’t decide even
now if I want to laugh or slap my forehead at the absurdity of it.
Anyway, when this therapist asks
you to sit, whether it’s on a sofa, settee, reclining chair, whatever…there’s
always a box of tissues within reach. To me, the tissues are the kicker.
Automatically, you put up your defenses and the entire affair becomes even more
uncomfortable. My first – and only – experience with my therapist lasted an
hour and it was easily the worst hour of my life. I wasn’t ready to face my issues
or myself, but at the same time, I couldn’t shut up. I left the office feeling
confused, irritated, and with the worst stress headache in history of all my
headaches. For some people, talking to a stranger or a therapist seems like the
way to go. For me, it wasn’t, but at the same time I didn’t feel ready to talk
to my family about what was going on. I didn’t really have friends I could
trust and I wasn’t going to see a counselor. In the end, ultimately, I blurbed
everything to my family, because to me they were the only people I could trust.
Like I said earlier, telling
people what’s going on inside your head makes you feel so much better. You don’t
have to bear all right away. A bit at a time is all it takes. Whatever your
pace, the relief (at least for me) was almost instantaneous. I wasn’t lying
anymore. People knew how I felt. The crap that I had bottled up inside of me
was out in the open. Some of it was hurtful, some of it was embarrassing, and
some of it was even a bit pathetic. But having that other person (or those
other people) to talk to really helps, because they see the situation differently
and can bounce observations back to you. Maybe you decided to talk to the
person you’re having the most trouble with – they might be willing to give you
an explanation for their behavior or realize what the problem is.
The biggest factor is to be open to other people. Burrowing away
inside of yourself fixes nothing and the problems won’t go away by pretending
that everything is fine or hoping they’ll get better. Admit that there is a
problem, work on making the right decisions for you, and build up your confidence in yourself. If you’re unhappy, change that! Pronto! For me, I had to
make choices regarding a change of scenery and I had to change my attitude. I
couldn’t keep letting myself crumble under my own insecurities, because it was
killing me. I had to stop staring at the mirror and looking at the person
reflected with disgust or irritation. Once I opened my eyes to a world outside
of myself (because depression is, in a basic sense, a very selfish mental illness),
I felt better. Life meant something, and my
life in particular was suddenly at the forefront of every thought. I wanted
to live, I wanted to experience things, and I wanted to change.
That’s another biggie: the
internal desire to change yourself. Don’t change for another person, whether it’s
a spouse, a child, a friend, or family. Those people are obviously important
and should factor into your decision to change, but the motivation should come
from within you. Because once you want to change, nothing can stop
you. Your family will become your biggest supporter through this, and if not
family, a close friend. If you truly, seriously, have no one, which I know some
people don’t, then you really need to push yourself to change. No one should go
through life unhappy or alone or miserable or feeling like they don’t deserve
anything good to happen to them. That’s
just simply fucked up.
I know I’ve been ranting on and
on, so I’ll draw things to close.
Remember:
- · Admit there’s a problem.
- · Talk to someone about what’s eating at you. Whether it’s personal issues, family problems, marital woes, or just your loneliness getting the best of you, find someone to talk to and help you sort things out. They might point out something that you haven’t thought of before, and that insight may be crucial.
- · If you’re depression is more than just “being in a bad mood”, professional help may be the way to go. Warning: suicidal thoughts are an automatic pill sentence. Most of those drugs can worsen things, so make sure absolutely beyond a doubt that talking to someone isn’t enough.
- · Start making a point to be happy. Take classes at a local college on hobbies you’ve always been interested in. Get out of your house/apartment/flat/condo what-have-you and spend an afternoon at a coffee house or a bookstore or tech store, if that’s what you’re into. Get an active pet and go for walks. Get involved in book clubs. Really, just be around people in an environment that requires interaction.
- · And finally (and maybe most importantly), learn to be strong mentally and emotionally. Crumbling under the slightest pressure or falling to pieces when things don’t go according to plan (or at all) isn’t an excuse to just give up. Giving up no longer can be an option for you anymore, just as lying and ignoring your depression isn’t a modus operandi either. Build up your iron core and will or else the depression will come back.
o Part of the final point
is this: death is never the answer.
NEVER. Yea, life is hard. Whining about it isn’t going to help. Making excuses
for yourself ISN’T GOING TO HELP. “Death is easy, it’s life that’s hard.” That
is true, but life doesn’t always have to be hard – and it won’t stay that way
if you truly wish to change. Get it in your head to make a life worth living
and you’re golden, dudes.
Okay, so I’m going to step off
my soap-box here, but I just want people to take away from this post that there
are people everywhere who suffer with depression every day. I’ve been dealing
with it for nearly four years now. It’s not something you “snap” out of; it’s a
work-in-progress, kind of like a story even. Eventually, after many drafts and
line edits, you’ll get buffed and polished out into the person you can be. For some people, that road isn’t
easy. I’ve got more than enough dints and chinks (and many drafts and numerous
edits) in my road to “becoming”, but I’ve finally learned to never give up.
I guess maybe that last sentence
goes under the final point:
Never give up, and never give in.
Lily A, out.
* Seriously lame link, but so effing true. Also, it's the only movie starring Lindsay Lohan worth watching. Just sayin'.
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